The Wind Goes On Holiday
- Third Version -
- How To Edit A Children's Picturebook Story -
You'll also find them at the bottom of this page.
What changes did you think should be made to version 2?
There are two more versions to go after this one. At the bottom of the page you can move to version 4, and then on to comments I've received, and then the final one (so far!).
It’s a good idea to introduce the main character of a story at the start, and as the story also features Wind’s friends, it’s better to introduce them sooner rather than later. I’ve therefore swapped some lines around and done some extra naming.
In the last version there were a few things that were ‘unbelievable'. If Wind was in training and had successfully built up his strength to do damage, he’d more likely want to test it out his ability rather than go on holiday – so somehow he has to be tricked into leaving.
The friends didn't like the things wind did, but these were the things Wind had been training for; so the round up of remorse at the end is fine, but they have to acknowledge each other's natures - the Wind will never stop blowing - that's what the wind does! You have to be realistic.'
Did you find the problems where the word ‘He’ is written but it’s not completely clear who is referred to?
For a while, I really thought I’d fixed everything with this version.
Does this satisfy you?
Be honest. Nit-pick as much as you can.
Come on … pretend to be an editor at your favourite publishing house. Print this out, sharpen your pencil and get busy! (The chances are an editor wouldn’t edit this – they’d just send a letter saying ‘Not wanted’. Editors do not have time to edit. Your work has to be perfect.)
The Wind Goes On Holiday
‘Hoooowwwwlll’ wailed the Wind as it squeezed between the tree branches.
‘BANG’ went the doors.
‘Rattle, rattle, rattle’ went the windows.
No one was happy. The Wind had kept them awake all week with his noises.
‘Ouch! That hurts! Please slow down,’ pleaded the Buttercups. ‘You’re bending us too far!’
But the Wind wasn’t listening.
‘You’re making it too hard to cling to the flowers!’ gasped the Bees as they were whoosshhhhed up, up and away.
But the Wind still wasn’t listening.
‘Look what you’ve done to our homes! Blow away and leave us alone!’ yelled the Spiders.
‘That was a good place to sit. What did you do that for?’ complained the Lizards. (Illustration: Fence being blown away.)
‘Rock, rock, splosh, slosh,’ went the Waves.
Wind was enjoying training.
‘Now I might be strong enough to blow tall trees down,’ he roared.
‘Why don’t you blow away to the Windy-lympic Games instead?’ wheedled the Grasses. ‘If you go now, I’m sure you’d get there in time to win lots of medals.’
‘No-one could be as strong as you,’ marvelled the Flies, ‘and when they’re over you could take a holiday!’
‘That’s a good idea!’ Wind gusted. ‘I’ll show them who’s strongest and fastest!’
Everyone decided to help him pack his suitcase, just to make sure that he didn’t change his mind, and that he would have the best and longest holiday ever. They brought everything they thought he might need:
‘Here are some balloons to blow up.’
‘You mustn’t run out of clean wind-socks.’
‘You might need a change of weather-vanes.’
‘You should like ‘Wind in the Willows’’.
‘When you want a big, BIG, BIG looooooooooong blow you can use this trombone.’
…and they all jumped for joy and waved and cheered as he set off. Even the Clams and Oysters joined in by clapping their shells.
‘Just keep going that way,’ crashed the Waves, and Wind soon completely vanished over the ocean.
‘Now we can have a lovely quiet rest!’
It was so peaceful in the morning - but it felt strange.
‘I don’t like being ‘flat’ and ‘calm’!’ said the Sea. ‘It’s not at all exciting.’
‘It’s pretty boring just looking straight upwards,’ agreed a Buttercup. ‘I can’t move without the wind.’
‘Without the Wind I can’t smell which flowers to visit,’ said a Bee.
But the Wind was getting further and further away.
‘Is this the way to the Windy-lympic Games?’ Wind asked the Seagulls.
‘Yes, just keep going!’ they screeched, and he did.
‘Is this the way to the Windy-lympic Games?’ Wind asked the Whales.
‘Yes, just keep going!’ they wallowed, and he did.
‘Oh! Aagh! Ouch!’ lamented a Lizard, as they ran in every direction. ‘We can’t stand still for a second on these hot rocks. I wish the cool Wind was here!’
‘It’s too hot. We need some sea spray blown on us,’ groaned the Grasses.
‘Wind. Come over here. We need you! – Wind. Where are you?’ they shouted together, to see if he would return.
‘Sorry about the heat,’ said the Sun, ‘but that’s my job. I only do heating and lighting. Cooling things down is the wind’s job. I’ll go and find him on my way round the earth. I’ve got to go now to shine over everyone on the other side.’
The sun set off.
He travelled over houses.
He travelled over fields.
He travelled over the sea.
He went a long, long way. He went so far the plants and animals could no longer see him
…and it got dark.
Very, very dark.
It was going to be a long wait to see if the Sun would bring the Wind back.
Everyone decided to keep shouting, hoping that the Wind was listening.
‘How much further to the Windy-lympic Games?’ puffed the Wind, when he met Storm.
“You’ve been tricked!” Storm rumbled. ‘There are no such things as the Windy-lympic Games.’
The Wind was crying when the Sun found him.
‘I should have guessed!’ Wind sighed. ‘They were so pleased to see me go, and now I’m lost, I can’t win medals and they were so unkind I won’t even have a good holiday. The flies told me to ‘Get tied in a wind-sock!’, and as I left, the Birds sang ‘Wind, wind, blow away, come again another day – but not for a long time!’ …and the Lizards wrote ‘Good riddance!!!’ in very large letters in the sand. …And then there were the Clams clapping and … ’
‘They just didn’t like the things you did,’ explained the Sun. ‘All that
…and knocking things over -
and you never once thought to say ‘I’m sorry’.’
‘I thought they were the things I was made to do,’ Wind murmured. ‘I was training to be good at doing all of those.’
When the Wind stopped crying he could hear everyone shouting in the distance. It was hard to believe they all wanted him back again.
He was so pleased that they didn’t all hate him that he crept back with the Sun.
‘Three cheers for the Wind, hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray! Hip-hip, hooray!’
‘We’re sorry we said so many mean things!’
‘Sorry I was nasty!’
‘I’m sorry too,’ the Wind wafted. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I promise that from now on I’ll try to slow down and be more careful – but blowing is all I can do, you know.’
‘It’s good to have you back again,’ said the Spiders, ‘but in future, please whistle when you’re coming, so that we can hide.”
‘I can do that,’ replied Wind. ‘Why don’t you buttercups scatter your seeds near the walls and trees? New plants won’t feel me much if they live there.’
‘That’s a good idea!’ they nodded. ‘Welcome home!’
‘Let’s have a party!’ suggested the Lizards.
The buttercups celebrated by making sandwiches with real butter, instead of margarine.
Everyone was grinning and laughing again.
‘We’ll help you unpack.’
Wind was now happy again too, and replied, ‘Being with friends is so much better than being on holiday!’