The Wind Goes On Holiday

- Second Version -

-How to Edit A Children's Picturebook Story -

This page is the second of 5 that show the process of editing a picturebook story.
To go back to the first draft or move to further improvements, you can use these links.
They are also provided at the bottom of this page.
First Draft Third Version Fourth Version Final Version

Here is the first improved version of the story. You may like to print this page, and following pages, and the first draft on the previous page, and compare them side by side.

Problems

The main problems with the first version were:

· The story is 'told' rather than 'shown'. You can read it without pictures. In a picturebook the pictures should tell part of the story, rather than just illustrate it.

· It lacks rhythm. This can be introduced by repetition and sound play.

· It's slow paced. This is partly caused by too many examples and too detailed description. Pictures will fill in the detail.

· The children need to be involved from the start.

I'm sure children will enjoy this version more.

Picturebooks are usually edited many, many, many times. Every word and sentence has to be important, and changes may still be made to this story.




The Wind Goes On Holiday

Peter E. Taylor ©2005

BANG went the doors.

Rattle, rattle, rattle went the windows.

Rustle, rustle, rustle, rustle went the leaves.

Hoooowwwwlll went the wind as it squeezed through the tree branches.

No one was happy. The wind had kept them awake all week with his noises.

'Look what you've done to our homes! Blow away and leave us alone!' shouted the Spiders.

But the wind wasn't listening.

Up, up and away blew a piece of fence.

Up, up and away blew the bees.

He was training.

'I'll soon be strong enough to blow tall trees down,' he said, 'but I think I need a rest now, and a holiday.'

Everyone decided to help him pack his suitcase, just to make sure that he didn't change his mind,

...and just to make sure that he would have the best and longest holiday ever.

They brought everything they thought he might need:

'Here are some balloons to blow up.'

'You mustn't run out of clean wind-socks.'

'You might need a change of weather-vanes.'

'You should like reading this book. It's called 'Wind in the Willows'.

'When you want a big, BIG, BIG looooooooooong blow you can use this trombone.'

…and they all jumped for joy

...and waved

...and cheered as he set off.

Even the clams and oysters joined in by clapping their shells.

Soon Wind had completely vanished over the ocean.

'Now we can have a lovely quiet rest!'

It was so peaceful in the morning, …but it felt strange, …as though something was wrong.

'I don't like being 'flat' and 'calm'!' said the sea. 'It's not at all exciting.'

'It's boring just looking straight upwards,' agreed a flower. 'I can't move without the wind.'

'Without the wind I can't smell which flowers to visit,' said a bee.

'Oh! Aagh! Ouch!' complained one of the lizards, as they ran in every direction. 'We can't stand still for one second on these hot rocks. I wish the cool wind was here!'

'Yes, it's too hot! We need some sea spay blown on us,' groaned the grasses.

'Wind. Come over here. We need you! - Wind. Where are you?' they shouted together, to see if he would return.

'Sorry about the heat,' said the sun, 'but that's my job. I only do heating and lighting. Cooling things down is the wind's job. I'll go and find him.'

The sun set off.

He travelled over houses.

He travelled over fields.

He travelled over the sea.

He went a long, long way.

He went so far the plants and animals could not see him any longer

…and it got dark.

Very, very dark.

It was going to be a long wait to see if the sun would bring the wind back.

Everyone decided to keep shouting, hoping that the wind was listening.

When the sun found the wind, he was crying. He was not having a good holiday at all. It was hard to believe they all wanted him back again. They had all been so unkind.

'The flies told me to 'Get tied in a wind-sock!', and as I left, the birds sang 'Wind, wind, blow away, come again another day - but not for a long time!' …and the lizards wrote 'Good riddance!!!' in huge letters in the sand. …And then there were the clams clapping and …'

'They just didn't like the things you did,' explained the sun. ' All that

…rushing

…and pushing

…and bumping

…and swaying

…and knocking things over -

and you never once thought to say 'I'm sorry'.'

When the wind stopped crying he could he everyone shouting in the distance.

He was thrilled that they didn't all hate him, so he crept back with the sun.

'Three cheers for the wind,

Hip-hip, hooray!

Hip-hip, hooray!

Hip-hip, hooray!'

'We're sorry we said so many mean things!'

'Sorry I was nasty!'

'Sorry!'

'Sorry!'

'I'm sorry too,' said the wind. 'I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I promise that from now on I'll try to slow down and be more careful.'

'It's good to have you back again!'

'Welcome home!'

'Let's have a party!'

The buttercups celebrated by making sandwiches with real butter again, instead of margarine.

Everyone was grinning and laughing again.

'We'll help you unpack.'

Wind was now happy again too, and replied,'Being with friends is so much better than being on holiday!'



The next task is to see if it will divide into a sensible number of pages. Books for young children often have 16, 20 or 24 pages. Yes, I can divide it into 18 pages plus one for the title and one blank so that the first page is on the right hand side.

But wait! Think again. Doesn't it still have some problems? With a little help from my friends and some extra thought, I know it still needs more work. Don't you agree?

If you wish you can follow these links to other verions and the reasons for the changes.


First Draft Third Version Fourth Version Final Version



If you read this to a child, please let me know if they enjoy the story, their age, and any part they find hard to understand. Pictures should make some ideas clearer.
Thank you.